World Cup: Match 50 - USA vs. Ghana

I was hoping to see 1 billion Africans mourn, as the last hope of their continent were eliminated by the US. But much to my chagrin, the US team continued to play politically: attacking only after being attacked.

I was not surprised that Ghana got the first goal but not too worried either, given our penchant for comebacks, but I was furious that it happened in the 5th minute! And on a defensive give away!!! If the US proved one thing this World Cup, it's that we SUCK at defense. Ricardo Clark straight up lost the ball. Jay Demerit defended like a cactus. And Tim Howard didn't cover the near post. WHAT THE HELL (#1)!!!

But if we were going to concede a goal, it's good that we did it so early, in order to maximize the time remaining for an equalizer. At last it came in the 62nd minute, when "Clempsey" (Clint Dempsey) got fouled in the box and Donovan kissed the penalty dangerously off the woodwork. Hooray...except that's 5/5 goals score by our midfield (and 7/7 if you count disallowed goals). If the US proved two things this World Cup, it's that we SUCK at defense AND our forwards SUCK at scoring. Where was Jozy Altidore? I know he's only 20 years old, but he's big and strong and just muscles people off of the ball. How about some goals? The closest he came to scoring was a point blank shot he smashed over the crossbar that he should have left for Donovan to put away (against Algeria, I believe). As for our other forward, we didn't have one! What was Bill Bradley (the coach) thinking starting Robbie Findley over and over and over again!? He doesn't score goals, so he's useless as a forward. And when he's trying to make a pass, he looks utterly lost, so he's worthless as a playmaker. He looked utterly lost the entire tournament! The best thing that happened for the US against Slovenia was Findley's yellow card, which kept him out of the Algeria game. Hmm, looks like US did not concede so long as Findley was off... What was wrong with Edson Buddle? He was a fighter and he could pass. That's two things he had on Findley. Or Hercules Gomez? Damn, he missed a lot of opportunities, but at least he could get himself into those positions! WHAT THE HELL (#2)!!!

Our equalizing goal gave me only a moment's respite until I saw our future flash before my eyes, Nike-"Write the Future"-commercial-style. Oh no, I said, now the US is going to slow down again and play for penalties. But Ghana will score first in extra time and we'll have to come from behind AGAIN! Unfortunately, my realization could not help the team, and that's exactly what happened. We took our foot of the gas pedal...we played like pussies.

I'm not sure of it was the coach's call or simply a loss of urgency that washed over us, but we were definitely playing for penalty kicks. WHY!? What team gains the momentum with a well-earned equalizing goal and then hands it right back to the other team? Now we're even: let's WIN. Win! ...win? Do you know what that means? Try to score a goal before the other team does! What was it with our team this World Cup? We just didn't want to win any games. We waited for England to score before we tried playing offense. We waited for Slovenia to score two goals before we tried at all. And even against Algeria, we waited for England to score, for a solidified early elimination, before we really started hammering Algeria. In fact, before England scored, we nearly conceded...and once they did score, we definitely waited for the last possible minute. WHAT THE HELL (#3)!!!

We are truly procrastinators. You can't seriously expect to do well in the World Cup if you only lead the scoreboard for 3 out of 407 minutes played!!! Why did we play defensively? Our defense isn't good enough! Our forwards can't even score when we're dominating possession--how could we expect them to score against the run of play? BAD DEFENSE + BAD FORWARDS is not a recipe for a defensive side. Who were we trying to be...Italy? Italy usually scores before they defend, not the other way around.

But let's not take credit from Ghana. Although the US underperformed, Ghana played excellently, displaying the tenacity and hunger that wins games and drives teams deep into the tournament. Their first goal was merciless; their second, more merciless.

Five minutes into the game, they showed precision shooting that had been completely absent in the group stage. Until then, Ghana had only scored on penalties. In fact, Ghana's qualification transpired more or less due to the turn of events--mere happenstance--rather than the innate drive that put the other 31 teams through. In other words, they hardly deserved their second round berth. However, given FIFA's obvious bias against the US, I was certain that Ghana would be gifted another penalty against us. Ironically, it was we who scored on a penalty.

Ghana's second goal captured perfectly the will to win. Asamoah Gyan just powered through our defense, all by himself, and buried it even more powerfully into the net, right over Tim Howard. Just watch the goal. This was a completely solo effort. The ball that he collected was a cleared out of the back, fired straight into the air by a defender who wasn't even facing forward! Bocanegra and Demerit just looked like fools as they let the ball bounce between them, let Gyan take it on his chest and stumble toward goal with it. Gyan broke through our defense, ravaged our goal, and buried our dream...because, surely, what team could deliver a SIXTH comeback goal?

Winning is for the tenacious, for the hungry. Every team that has tried to hole up--with the exception of Uruguay--is out of the tournament: North Korea, Switzerland, Italy, ... (now Portugal). Defense doesn't work. It's just improbable to count on your defense to hold up for an hour and a half against an undying onslaught. At least score first, then defend. Uruguay did that against South Korea, so when South Korea did score, they were safe, had time to buy their next goal and then defended again.

The US team was strongest when we attacked in numbers, with a sense of urgency. So why, when that was so obvious, did we not play to our strengths? Part of the reason is that we're afraid. It's fine when we're the underdogs: we play great, because we have nothing to lose. But suddenly, when the pressure is on, when the world expects something from us, when we are good enough to win, we choke. The world will never respect the US soccer team until we play like we are worth respecting. For now, we are the prime example of a mediocre team, which can easily be identified as playing up to the level of better competition and down to the level of worse. The path to the semi-final was so open to us. Everything happened perfectly to put us into the easiest quadrant. Our vengeance was laid out beautifully before us. It was time to trounce the team that had sent us home in 2006. And we failed.

That's at least four more years I--and every other US fan--have to wait before we witness that magical moment, when finally--finally!--our testicles drop as a soccer nation.

World Cup: Match 49 - Uruguay vs. South Korea

Two teams that weren't necessarily expected to make it to the second round played a rather exciting, excellent match for being "weak" sides. I joined the game a little late (81st minute), just in time to see the replay of Luis Suarez's bender off the far post. What a magnificent goal! Trailing 2-1 in the dying minutes of the game, Lee Dong-Gook got a golden opportunity for South Korea when he found himself with time and space alone in front of the keeper. Unfortunately, he muffed his shot, which squeezed just barely under the keeper's legs but not much farther* as the defense recovered to clear it off the line.
From what I'm told, Korea was unfortunate with the result, as they outplayed the Uruguayans for the majority of the game. But I can give two reasons why Uruguay earned this victory.

1) Uruguay has been playing defensively this whole tournament, except maybe against South Africa. So far, it's worked great, as they have yet to fall behind. In fact, South Korea were the first to score on them. But when you're up a goal against an evenly matched opponent, it's not surprising that you end up defending a lot as your opponent pushes forward. It's just the nature of the game, when one team is chasing the scoreline.

2) This strategy works very well for them, because their solid defense is complemented by the perfect offensive duo that can score against the run of play: the sneaky, ever-dangerous veteran Diego Forlan and the tenacious youngster Luis Suarez. The duo have combined for 4 out of 5 of Uruguay's goals, including the goal in the 8th minute against South Korea, where Forlan cut past his defender and sent a searching ball across the goal that beat the keeper and found Suarez lurking unmarked at the far post. Suarez scored against the run of play to get Uruguay the go-ahead goal vs. Mexico (which saved them from playing Argentina) and he scored against South Korea to deliver Uruguay into the Quarterfinals.

And maybe Uruguay were a little lucky, but it's always nice to be lucky, in addition to being good. After all, soccer is a game of probability. The team that plays better usually has the greater number and quality of chances, but goals are never certain.

*(Thank you, Chelsea, I only caught this in the edit.)

World Cup: Match 48 - Spain vs. Chile

I was hoping for the upset, simply because it would have been funny to watch the favorites go out in the group stage, but in the end I am glad that Spain found their feet and were able to score goals against Chile, whose defense is nowhere near as good as the Swiss's. The first goal, even if it came on a mistake by the goalkeeper, was a real beauty, and though David Villa made it look easy, it certainly wasn't.

The goal was set in motion by a possible breakaway pass for Fernando Torres. Although Torres has shown nothing of the power and talent he demonstrated in the final of Euro 2008, Chile still seemed very afraid of him, afraid enough that their goalie came sprinting out to meet the ball. But instead of pounding it high into the stands, he slide tackled it weakly, straight to onrushing David Villa, who was lethal at 45 yards against the helpless, unprotected Chilean goal. His one-time shot curved majestically into the back right corner of the net (24').

Spain also earned a very pretty goal in the 37th minute when Iniesta one-timed it sweetly past his defender and the keeper. It wasn't a hard shot at all, just pure finesse, pure Iniesta, pure Spain.

Despite having a player ejected in the very same play, they stunned Spain with a goal right after the break, a goal that said, for those of you watching (Brazil), we are not afraid! I would add Chile to my list of teams with heart, but the last 20 minutes of the game proved otherwise, as both teams seemed perfectly content to ride the game out with a 2-1 result. It's the type of playing you hope never to see in a World Cup game, both teams just wasting time, but the Group Stage was old and tired, and there was nothing left for it to give in its dying breaths.

Spain = Barcelona (#1 La Liga) + Real Madrid (#2 La Liga) - Messi (#1 scorer La Liga) - Ronaldo (#2 scorer La Liga). And that's definitely what they're missing: creative scorers. David Villa is good, but Messi and Ronaldo are on a whole different level. I think it took Spain a couple games to realize they weren't just Barcelona + Real Madrid, that they couldn't just mesmerize the other team and sneak Messi in or count on Ronaldo to score off a free kick or win a penalty with his excellent diving. It will be amusing to watch the Real Madrid squad face their best player against Portugal and--if Spain make it so far--the Barcelona squad face their best player against Argentina. I just hope they don't pass them the ball by accident...

World Cup: Match 47 - Switzerland vs. Honduras

0-0!!!
Who would have predicted Switzerland's performance in this World Cup? They stuffed Spain's offense for 90 minutes and then scored on them! But they couldn't stuff Chile or score on them. And then, when they needed a win and were playing maybe the worst team in the tournament, they couldn't perform! In fact, Honduras had the better of the chances and if they had any sort of scoring ability, Switzerland would have gone it in even greater embarrassment. Switzerland added itself to the list of teams that lacked the nerve to win. I'm talking about teams like France, Nigeria, Serbia, Denmark, Italy, teams that are going home not because they didn't have the ability to do well but because they didn't have the heart. So far, I've seen two teams with heart: USA and Slovakia.

Before the game I was worried that three teams would finish with 6pts in Group H and Chile would lose out on goal differential, despite winning their first two games. But I shouldn't have been. When have the Swiss ever been real competitors? Chee-eese.

World Cup: Match 46 - Brazil vs. Portugal

The colony vs. the colonist. Mother vs. daughter. Portuguese pizazz vs. Brazilian brilliance. This could have been an epic game, and it would have been if either team feared elimination, feared Spain a little more, or just felt like winning. But that wasn't the case and the game finished with approximately one chance for each side and 0 goals.

Surprisingly, Portugal has shown a knack for defense and have yet to allow a goal. They definitely went with a defensive side against Brazil and left Cristiano Ronaldo alone up top...against 4 Brazilian defenders.

But I like Portugal: they were wary against a decent but dangerous Ivory Coast side and very cautious against Brazil, but when it came time to face 105-ranked North Korea, they really went to town. The finished the group with a +7 goal differential, despite two nil-nil draws! Spain better be careful... I know at least one person who wouldn't be surprised by a Brazil-Portugal rematch in the final.

World Cup: Match 45 - Ivory Coast vs. North Korea

The Ivory Coast had a chance to go through, technically, but I don't know any team that would envy their position: they needed to win, Portugal to lose, and the combined margins of victory to exceed 10 goals...

Ivory Coast won respectably (3-0), even outscored Brazil against North Korea (2-1), but in the end, the 10 goal deficit never even entered the picture, as the Portugal losing prerequisite was not met.

World Cup: Match 44 - Japan vs. Denmark

Honda's latest advertisement is very direct:


The Danes were undone by Japan in a game that saw the first untouched free kick caress the net, as well as the second. Keisuki Honda's gorgeous shot completely surprised the Danish keeper as it dipped down over the wall and into the side netting (17'). Yasuhito Endo's sweet curving shot inside the post was also divine (30'). Either of these could go down as goals of the tournament.

The Danes showed a lack of energy from the start, which surprised me, given their fervor against Cameroon and their must-win situation. After the goals, they were even more despondent, much like a moribund Hamlet unsure of his purpose. Meanwhile, the Japanese were not fast, forceful, or flashy, but like a Honda, they proved to be very reliable.

The Danes showed a little life in the dying minutes of the game and earned themselves a penalty kick in the 81st minute. Not three second after I'd uttered, "he's going to save it," the Japanese keeper dove and blocked Jon Dahl Tomasson's exceptionally poor effort. Unfortunately, the ricochet rolled right back to Tomasson, who saved some face by tucking it away easily.

Still, the Danes seemed lethargic. In the 85th minute of a must-win game, you should be pressing your opponent so hard that they feel as if the walls are closing around them and need to use every excuse to waste time. Japan looked quite relaxed and in the 87th minute, the top international scorer of 2009, Shinji Okazaki, knocked in a 3rd goal to crown the victory.

There was a bit of controversy concerning the near side referee, who looked just like Koman Coulibaly from behind. If he was, FIFA were very clever about it and never showed his face on camera. But they might consider a safety issue jersey for skinny, bald, black referees (left).









FUNNY COMMENTARY:

"Keisuke Honda is pacing this ball out carefully in a slightly Ronaldo-esque fashion. Even more of a Ronaldo-esque fashion as he backpedals. It dips, he scores! Ronaldo, eat your heart out!"

"The complete whiff and a miss from Tomasson."

"An awful penalty. I didn't want to say anything to jinx him, but I knew he was going to miss."

"Shinji Okazaki. He scored 15 goals for Japan in 2009, though that did include two hat tricks against Hong Kong and Togo."
"They all count!"

Japan were discussing building a statue for the head coach, Okada, if he delivered them out of the group stage.
"They'll have to build the statue now. Better get the chisels out, Japan."

A text from my friend after the first goal:
"Ah the wonderful precision of the Japanese machine! Using tecnology to its full advantage (the ball)"

His text after the third goal:
"I don't think the brakes work on the Japanese football team either..."

World Cup: Match 43 - Netherlands vs. Cameroon

Netherlands won their 3rd game to clinch the group, joining Argentina as the only 3-0 super-killers so far. Even though they are my favorite team, I have yet to see them play. They coasted through their group rather effortlessly--or at least without expending much effort--but neglected to produce the score-fest that we're all waiting to see. Maybe against Slovakia...?

And at last, Robben returned! And with a thunderous shot that hit the post and produced the game-winning goal, to boot. Bravo, sir.

World Cup: Match 42 - Italy vs. Slovakia

What a game, what a game! Three Slovakian wonder-goals and classic Italian soccer strategy culminated in a beautiful thing: the defending champion's early exit from South Africa 2010. Any game that Italy loses is a good one, but this one was spectacular! For a soccer player, it is always immensely rewarding to see Italy punished for the shitty excuse for futbol they play, let's call it Calcio. For those of you who are unfamiliar, let's go over some key differences, straight from the Official Strategy Guide.

1) Never lead the attack. Let the other team come to you and spring the counter attack. This is the luxurious road to victory. Remember our Roman ancestors.
2) Diving is a valid and important part of the game. Never miss an opportunity to embellish or even fabricate the gruesomeness of a challenge. Make sure the referee, the audience, and birds flying high above can hear you scream. ALWAYS call for a stretcher. And spend the off season in acting camp. After all, a soccer player is as much a thespian as he is an athlete.
3) Wear a stylish haircut. What's the point of winning if you don't look good doing it?
4) Say nasty things to your opponent. Foul him in secret. Nothing frustrates the bear more than stones cast from a safe distance. The referee will protect you.
5) But if the referee makes a call against you, curse him before God. Doesn't the ref know that we are His chosen team?
6) Wear a blue uniform, even though your national colors are red, green, and white. It doesn't make sense, but we'll just have the team named after the color, so no one will question us: the Azzurri!
7) Always underestimate the other team. Everyone outside of Italy is uncultured swine. They don't know how to cook, make love, or play soccer.
8) Brag about winning the Champions League, while ignoring the fact that only one Italian played, and he was a substitute.

In the upshot of this glorious day, both finalists from '06 have been eliminated from the tournament. But one question remains between them: who were the biggest failure? The Azzurri definitely challenge Les Bleus for the biggest disappointments of the tournament. Failing to qualify out of the easiest group in World Cup history could be just as impressive as total internal collapse... How about your coach slipping off the field without so much as a word to his players or the opposing team's coach? Isn't losing because you didn't feel like playing far more egregious than losing because, deep down, you really, really suck.

Seriously, why did Italy wait until the last ten minutes before they really started trying? They could have played like that for the whole tournament. What did they think, that they could outdo the Americans' comeback draw against Slovenia by beating Slovakia in the last ten minutes? Italy definitely demonstrated their proficiency--they scored two goals and almost a third that was just barely offsides. But it was too little too late, especially because they also showed great proficiency at watching Slovakia score on them. What team, when they are down a goal and desperate for a score, lets a brand new substitute score on his first touch OFF OF A THROW into the box, in the last minute of regular time? ITALY, of course!

Who knows...maybe Slovakia is the underdog Eastern European squad that will cut deep into the elimination round.

As for the Italians, I see a great opportunity for MasterCard.

2 Tickets to Italy, $3000

1 night stay in Rome, $350

Produce at the corner market, $15

Being there to greet the Italian soccer team with a crate of rotten tomatoes... Priceless

There are some things money can't buy.

For everything else, there's MasterCard.

FUNNY COMMENTARY:

After Vittek's first goal:
"Italy have conceded the 1st goal in their last 4 matches. This has happened only 4 times in their last 46 matches."

After Vittek's second goal:
"Italy are on their way out. I don't know about a Roman road. They're on a road to ruin so far."

Slovakian keeper botches save:
"The goalkeeper did it very awkwardly. He's about to join Everton, where he'll be Tim Howard's number two. He certainly won't be number one, I can tell you that!"

Pirlo's 1st touch is out of bounds.
"Well, it's a horror show, this for Italy."

After Italy's 1st goal
"Are the Italians going to get out of jail?"

World Cup: Match 41 - Paraguay vs. New Zealand

0-0. I almost watched this one but opted for Italy-Slovakia for the chance to hang out with my dad. How right he was...

On the draw, Paraguay advance and win the group, while New Zealand exits without losing a match. Three ties and everyone is talking about how proud New Zealand will be of their performance. Rubbish! Just because New Zealand is a small island nation doesn't mean they don't want to win, that they don't dream big. I am getting so frustrated with all the Euro-philia going around. Everyone is so into big teams like England, France, and Italy that they think previous victories somehow make your team better. The only thing a World Cup title does change is the fans expectations! It has absolutely no bearing on the quality of your team! Just look at France, self-destructing because they "under-performed." France did not under-perform at all. They just suck! Unfortunately, they thought they were very good, so their realignment with reality was absolutely brutal. England also did not under-perform. They are a bad team. Lucky for them, they have so much raw individual talent that they managed to pull through.

Whatever your convictions about the quality of these big-name sides, please just stop patronizing the little guy. New Zealand is disappointed not to go on, not thrilled to have drawn all their games...

World Cup: Match 40 - Serbia vs. Australia

Who would have thought the Aussies had it in them? Who knew they would wait until their last half of the World Cup before they discovered where their heads were (up their asses) and moreover managed to dislodge them. They made their exit in style...by taking a dump on my bracket predictions.

Serbia dominated the first half and were shocked when Australia hung two on them in a span of 5 minutes. For a short time, Australia looked like they had a shot. With two more goals--or maybe a little help from Germany--they could make up the -4 goal differential from their disastrous first game and advance out of the group stage. But Serbia were the next to score and the match fizzled out as a battle of mutually assured destruction.

I picked Serbia as the dark horse of the tournament, and things certainly looked tasty when they upset Germany to recover from their early loss to Ghana. Their fate was in their own hands against Australia--what more could they ask for? They just didn't want it enough. And this tournament--for whatever reason--has been all about desire.

The soccer gods are smiling upon the big dreamers, the tenacious teams, who are not afraid to take destiny onto their own feet.

World Cup: Match 39 - Germany vs. Ghana

The battle of the G's went according to everyone's predictions, though Germany could have done a little better than 1-0. Of course, I don't know that for sure, because I didn't see this game, due in large part to the fallout of the US victory. But it wasn't a sad day for Ghana, as Australia's surprise victory against Serbia put Ghana through to the next round. It's too bad Ghana could not return the favor by beating Germany...or by losing very badly to them.

Ghana have saved Africa from total failure, but their second round berth was hardly the stuff of legends. Their 1-1-1 record was unimpressive, especially as the results got worse as the tournament progressed (won first, tied second, lost third). Their goal differential was 0. Their only goals came on penalty kicks. They didn't even earn their advancement. Germany's thrashing over Australia gave them the edge over Australia. And it was Australia's subversive victory, not their own, that really edged them out against Serbia.

All in all, Ghana is perhaps the most mediocre side to advance out of the group stage. You might even call them undeserving. And even though their achievement is a poor outcome for the beautiful game, I couldn't have picked a better opponent for the US. With Uruguay-South Korea above us, we are poised to reach the semifinal from the weakest quadrant of the cup. Imagine being in England's shoes. Even if they somehow manage to beat Germany, they'll have to play Argentina to reach the semifinal. Go, USA!

World Cup: Match 38 - USA vs. Algeria

Please, Lord, give us just one goal, one goal for the two that FIFA stole from us.

And finally, Landon Donovan, our once-again savior, delivered us in the 1st minute of STOPPAGE TIME with a goal that sent us all into ecstasy. I shouted and jumped, I high-fived and hugged, I almost cried......until I remembered I wasn't on the field, that this wasn't the greatest moment of my life. But in many ways it was and I can't remember celebrating so hard ever. At one point I was ready to run through the streets naked, but then I remembered I was saving that honor for the championship (if it ever comes). So I did that other thing people do when they celebrate: drink. My friends and I rushed to the liquor store, where I bought two bottles of champagne from a clerk, who I'm sure had no idea why I had lost my voice. One bottle of champagne, five beers, and a lot of crazy drunk shouting and dancing later, I fell asleep and missed the second half of Australia-Serbia. But no matter, this victory was one for the ages. And if the US had scored the three goals throughout the game that they should have, it would have been nowhere near as rapturous. In the words of Ian Darke "You couldn't write a script like this." The excitement, the drama, the anguish of waiting 91 minutes for this goal! I'm pretty sure I lost a year of my life watching this. My little brother even called me psychotic.

We kicked Algeria's ass, and though they gave us some scares, we earned that goal, and they earned that red card, that sweet red cherry capping off our fudge-filled, whip-cream-and-nut-topped, glorious American sundae. FIFA did their best to stop us (see below), to craft the draw that would ensure England a spot in the next round (do you really think drawing lots is random?), but we were just too damn defiant. Damn, do we have spirit! To come from behind on ENGLAND after conceding in the 4TH MINUTE. To come from 2 goals behind in one half. To have our last-minute victory goal taken away? And another taken away in the very next game!? We are the embodiment of resilience, true believers. Let's hear Obama say, "YES, WE CAN!" one more time.Chumbawumba - Tubthumping is our theme song: "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never going to keep me down."
And now for some great American heroes:

George Washington. The commander-in-chief of the American Revolution. The first president. The father of our country. He saved children but not the British children.



Joshua Chamberlain. July 2, 1863. The Battle of Gettysburg. Tasked with defending Little Round Top and running dangerously low on ammo, he lead a bayonet charge that stunned the Confederate soldiers into surrender. Outnumbered and outgunned but not outclassed, his brilliant audacity passes into legend. Just imagine it--holding an army at gunpoint with NO bullets!

Martin Luther King, Jr., Ph.D. Had a dream. And this to say: “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”





Landon Donovan. Our newest inductee. Ignited the comeback against Slovenia. Delivered us against Algeria. Orchestrates all of our goals. Leads us out of the dark. What a #10. What a savior. What a GREAT AMERICAN HERO.

And now for the evidence of FIFA's attempt to rig a draw, starting with the goal we scored.
21': Clint Dempsey finally puts it in the back after about 20 deflections in the box. Starting with a shot of Bill Clinton, Donovan to Bradley, Bradley to Altidore. Altidore to Gomez, no wait, his shitty pass gets blocked. He collects the rebound for himself and starts dribbling. He barely gets it away to Bradley before he is tackled. Bradley dribble into three players and falls down. He manages to poke it while he's down so Algeria can't get it away. Somehow the ball squirts out to Hercules Gomez on the right, who is all alone in front of goal. His shot is--unfortunately--right at the keeper. The block comes back to him. He sends his second chance wide but (a just barely ONsides Clint Dempsey) is there to knock it in.
27': Referee calls offsides, even though Jozy Altidore is racing away with the ball. Advantage, referee?
39': Linesman calls offsides on Algeria on a through pass. Definitely wasn't off.46': Offsides on Matmour in front of goal. He wasn't offsides, but he totally whiffs the shot. That would have been two goals called offsides.
70': Something on Edson Buddle.

So long as USA-Algeria drew, England would be safe, even with a draw. Because then the USA and England would draw lots, and we all know FIFA would never leave them up to chance... Those bastards!
FUNNY COMMENTARY:
"Matmour won't get that one. He would have needed to be a greyhound and even then it would be a close race."

HOT (EX?)-WIVES:
I should have known that Landon Donovan nabbed himself a hot wife. Unfortuantely, they've been separated for a year. Let's hope he can reel her back in...

Introducing...Bianca Kajlich...
Three cheers for the muse behind our great victory.

World Cup: Match 37 - England vs. Slovenia

England exacted justice upon the Slovenians, who had the audacity to claim the US really did not score a 3rd goal against them and had actually deserved to lose! I would have loved to see her majesty's "lions" exit the World Cup early without so much as a growl, but they finally got their shit together long enough to score on one end and not concede on the other. I didn't watch the game (obviously), but I will be there when they (bash their) face (against) Germany. Sadly, I fear the English won't put up the fight that a Germany-England match up deserves. They are the worst team in the tournament by a furlong, a unit of distance equal to 220 yards.
Joke of the Day: After boldly claiming, "England can still win this World Cup...And no, I haven't gone crazy," before the game, Fabio Capello used this weak 1-0 victory to say 'I told you so.' Yes, England can still win this World Cup...in the most literal definition of can. Maybe Capello was just demonstrating his mastery of English grammar, which is almost as good as his fashion sense. Observe...
This man parties...err, coaches like a rock star.

















Anyone notice the resemblance?





















And let's not forget his first name is Fabio for a reason...


And now the 10th hit I got when Google image searching "Fabio Capello glamor shot." I couldn't resist...

World Cup: Match 36 - Nigeria vs. South Korea

It looks like Nigeria spent all their attribute points on speed and strength and forgot all about intellect. In a very open and exciting game that should have ended joyously for the "Super Eagles," the Nigerians ruined their own party with more than a couple of incredibly stupid mistakes. Let's start counting...

#1) The absolutely unnecessary foul by Obasi on the left edge of the box. The offender was already being marked by a defender, but Obasi came streaking in recklessly and earned himself a yellow card, as well as the set piece that produced South Korea's equalizer.

#2) Instead of following the shot, Yakubu (captain) double over and let his arms hang down, disappointed that he had not received a pass. When the shot trickled out of the goalkeeper's arms, there was no one there to pick up the pieces. The worst part is I'm not even sure Yakubu noticed.

3) The Nigerian keeper, Enyeama, taking a step toward his wall just before Park Chu-Young let fly his shot. I'm sure the foul was a great blunder to begin with, but this time the onus was all on the goalie. Why would you take a step toward the wall RIGHT before the shot? I was never a keeper but even I know that a keeper's duty on set pieces is to set up the wall and cover the other side of the goal. If the shooter takes it over the wall, then you do your best to make a play. And if the shot is very good and dips below the crossbar, then there was really nothing you could do--it was a great shot. But you have to force the great shot, you have to make it as difficult as possible. Park's shot was accurate, yes, but it was weak and definitely savable.

4) Yakubu lunges to intercept a pass, blows by the first defender with a teammate streaking inside him, but cuts the ball for himself, and sees it cleared away by Lee Jung-Soo. He should have cut it inside for his teammate. Lee Jung-Soo was a real hero after saving this goal and scoring the 1st.

5) YAKUBU!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? This is the blunder of the tournament! One of the greatest blunders in soccer history! This miss is going to go on the greatest bloopers of all time reel! And you smiled... Your team is down a goal in a must win situation, you are the captain of that team, you have the ball two feet from the middle of an OPEN goal--that's 192 square feet of real estate you could have hit--and you pass it outside the post. There was even a second Nigerian at the back post if he had somehow missed it. It was the golden chance screaming for all Africa and it went unanswered. Change jerseys with Shittu.

6) Martins on a great through pass from Ogbuku, one-on-one with the keeper, in the 79th minute, just after Greece conceded the goal you needed them to. The stars were aligned. The fucking planets were aligned. And he chips the goalie but sends it wide.

HOW MANY CHANCES DO YOU NEED? HOW MANY SILVER PLATTERS? Especially, South Korea comes from behind to take the lead. South Korea played well but were often unlucky. Nigeria got very lucky but were not good. They were dumb. Except for maybe Uche, who cleverly rushed in past a careless defender to tuck away the first goal. He also hit the post on a zinger from distance.

For all the chances they just barely missed, South Korea did however get very lucky on their first goal. It was a great ball in, but Lee-Jung Soo did not score intentionally. Missing the header, he lost his balance and reflexive stuck his leg out to catch himself in the exact moment that the ball reached him.

I was also furious when the Nigerian keeper got a yellow card for shielding the ball. The referee would never have made the call on a field player doing the exact same thing...

Also, kudos to South Korea for some very stylish jerseys.

FUNNY COMMENTARY:

"Nigeria are 3-5 when they score 1st."

World Cup: Match 35 - Argentina vs. Greece

2-0 Argentina, no surprise.

FUNNY COMMENTARY:

"Argentina with basically their second team out there show great depth."

World Cup: Match 34 - France vs. South Africa

"Le bleus"...really blew and lost to South Africa 1-2!
France: I have never seen a team self-destruct like that. The trainer quits. The director of French soccer resigns. A player gets kicked off the team. They cancel practice. Then, in their last game, they "mix things up", go down 2 goals and have a player sent off. Gourcuff!!!! You are so bad! You were the worst player of the whole tournament. Supposed to be the next Zidane. I spit at you!!! (said in a French accent).

Well done, South Africa, but Uruguay dug you a grave with walls too high. Alas, you are the first hosts not to make it out of the group stage. I only hope that now you will have the decency to retire your Vuvuzelas. The real soccer begins soon...

World Cup: Match 33 - Mexico vs. Uruguay

URUGUAY!!! 1-0! 7pts. 4 goals. South America 8-0-2!
Uruguay topped their group after polishing off Mexico with a beautiful header by Luis Suarez at the end of the first half.

Uruguay entered the game perfectly content to get the draw, but when Mexico violated the unspoken agreement by attacking from the start, Uruguay had no chance but to turn Mexico's blade back upon them. What seemed a double-edged sword soon became a single-edge sword turned the wrong way when South Africa notched 2 goals against 10-man France and Diego Forlan orchestrated the counter-attack with a through pass down the sideline for Cavani, who found Suarez lurking at the far post, completely unmarked by the sleeping Mexican defense. Just two more goals between Uruguay and South Africa would have sent Mexico home packing.

Mexico looked threatening occasionally, including a 30-yard effort from Guardado that hit the crossbar and almost bounced off the keeper's back into the goal. Their best chance came on a cross that found defender Francisco Rodriguez completely unmarked five yards from goal (65'). But he muffed the header and he muffed it badly.

Things looked pretty nervy for Mexico, but their 2-goal cushion held strong and at last France delivered them with their first goal of the tournament in the 70th minute.

Mexico are set to live out their usual destiny against Argentina: escape the group phase only to be eliminated in the very next game. Boo hoo...

FUNNY COMMENTARY:

After Blanco takes a free kick.
"Cuauhtémoc Blanco makes an outrageous run to hit an outrageous ball."
"All the fans of Chicago Fire know Blanco always makes a 20-yd run to strike free kicks."
"Yes, it's the fastest bit of running he does during the game."

After Rodriguez skims the header wide.
"I don't know how he missed it. Some forwards can't head the ball but defenders are paid to do it."

World Cup: Match 32 - Spain vs. Honduras

Spain finally took care of business against Honduras with a 2-0 victory that should easily have had double the margin. David Villa scored one of the goals of the tournament in the 17th minute after slaloming between two defenders, cutting past the third, and sliding to hit the shot into the upper 90. He scored another just after the second half started but failed to convert a penalty kick for the hat trick in the 62nd minute. Though Spain are back on track, they will need to beat Chile if they don't want to leave their fate up to the Switzerland-Honduras game and especially if they don't want to face the Brazilians in their first game out of the group stage. But after watching Portugal party all over the N. Koreans, I'm not sure Spain should want to play them either...

World Cup: Match 31 - Switzerland vs. Chile

The Swiss held out long enough for the record but not much longer (6 minutes), as Chile became the first team to score on them in the past 557 minutes (a little over 6 games) of World Cup play. The achievement is definitely heroic, as the Swiss faced the last 44 of those minutes with ten men (though they did sub out their captain for another defender ten minutes after the red card). Chile's victory extends the dominance of South American teams, who are 7-0-2 in the tournament so far.

Uruguay vs. France: 0-0
Argentina vs. Nigeria: 1-0
Paraguay vs. Italy: 1-1
Brazil vs. North Korea: 2-1
Chile vs. Honduras: 1-0
Uruguay vs. South Africa: 3-0
Argentina vs. South Korea: 4-1
Paraguay vs. Slovakia: 2-0
Brazil vs. Ivory Coast: 3-1
Chile vs. Switzerland: 1-0

That's 18-4 in terms of goals!

The Swiss can blame the Saudi referee, who handed out 9 yellow cards, including one in the 2nd minute, in addition to the straight red to Valon Behrami, whose heavily tattooed arms did help his cause with the conservative Arabian. For what looks like such a dirty game on paper, the opposing teams seemed to be getting along just fine. In fact, when a Chilean player was shown a yellow card, the Swiss teammate of the victim smacked the offender on the butt. This ref and the French one from the Brazil-Ivory Coast match should have traded places.

World Cup: Match 30 - Portugal vs. North Korea

I woke up and it was 1-0.
I woke up again and it was 4-0!
And I still got to see 3 goals!

Damn, 7-0. The Portuguese got a couple goals and suddenly they remembered why--20 or so years ago--they had started playing soccer: for FUN! It was a joy to watch a brilliant side shed their nerves and play the moving, dancing, unstoppable soccer that becomes them. It made me realize that this World Cup has been full of nerves, more so than in previous years. So many big teams overcome by the pressure that has been placed on their success: France, England, Italy, Spain. They have forgotten that playing in the World Cup for your country is first and foremost a great joy! So far, only Argentina and Brazil have let the joy flow--and with it, the goals.

Portugal's rout included goals from six different scorers. There were so many goals they didn't all fit on the highlight reel. Ronaldo played well and finally ended his drought in what my friend described as "some sort of circus trick!" The ball chipped the keeper, bounced on his back, and rolled over his neck before he fished it out of the air and passed it to the net. Maybe it wasn't the kind of brilliant goal he is used to scoring, but he grinned all the same, as if to say
'Ha ha, this is how I score?'

North Korea, North Korea, are you there? I'm not really sure where the North Korean defense was, especially not the one that fended off Brazil for so long, but I'm more afraid of where they'll be going when they return home after their last match against Ivory Coast. Let's hope their elimination from the World Cup is not met with an eye-for-an-eye, tooth-for-a-tooth, elimination-for-elimination punishment...

Many, many Portuguese babies will be born around March 21st, 9 months from tonight.

A little FUNNY COMMENTARY:

"Ronaldo gets his mojo back...with a grin that says this is how I finally score!"

World Cup: Match 29 - Brazil vs. Ivory Coast

This might have been a good match up before the game started, but as soon as it did, it was apparent that Ivory Coast--sporting the green and white, horizontally striped shirts of a pirate crew--didn't have a prayer against the Brazilians. On a fumbling dribble-pass from Kaka, Luis Fabiano blasted the ball into the roof of the net so hard the keeper didn't see it (25'). Keenly aware that they could not beat Brazil, Ivory Coast spent the next 65 minutes proving they could still beat them up. Unfortunately, the French referee was about as good at controlling the game as his national team were at scoring goals.

Early in the second half, Brazil scored two more goals. The first came on a brilliant play by Luis Fabiano who got a little help from his hands--not once, but twice--as he beat three defenders and rocked it past the keeper (50'). For those of you think Brazil play fairly and win just because they are that good, watch this sneaky goal. FIFA, of course, didn't seem to mind as the chuckling referee jogged up alongside Fabiano and asked him if he'd used his arms. Even a child could have spotted the lie in Fabiano's plea of innocence, but let's give him a little credit: not even the Ivory Coast defenders noticed his fine handiwork.

The third goal came on an unexpected ground-cross from Kaka, who finally started figuring things out after looking lost on the field in the game against North Korea and for much of this one. It was especially weak defending by the Ivory Coast defender that let Elano sneak up behind him and tuck the goal away (62').

The Ivory Coast managed to get one back for a little moral consolation in the 79th minute. A looong run on the ball by Gervinho (of the Ivory Coast) ended disappointingly in the box when it was cut out by the last defender. But Gervinho managed to keep the ball in bounds and played it back to Yaya Toure, who sailed one over the Brazilian defense as Drogba ghosted in behind them (a good meter onside) to skim the header neatly past Julio Cesar.

Not ten minutes later, the game nearly erupted into a brawl when Kaka looked to have elbowed Kader Keita in the face. Although the elbow was nowhere near his face and Keita should be penalized for his egregious acting, Kaka definitely deserved a second yellow for jabbing Keita in the chest. For those of you who think Kaka didn't swing his elbow or didn't even know Keita was behind him, watch the replay and imagine not noticing a big sweaty African trotting up behind you. And let's look at the facts: it was a YELLOW card, not a straight red. Kaka was already riding a yellow that he had earned THREE MINUTES earlier! How stupid do you have to be to get two yellow cards in the last 10 minutes of a game that you're dominating 3-1 with 60% possession? The only other cards in the game were shown to 3 Ivory Coast players. But it's not like their fouls were malicious or dirty. Sometimes fouling is the only way to stop the other team, especially if that other team is Brazil. The only valid argument against the card is that the referee did not see it. From what I could tell, he examined Keita and then made up his mind. He did not see the foul or even consult his linesmen. So according to the rules of officiating, Kaka should not have been shown the yellow. But he did deserve it. And this time justice reigned.

Brazil is not a "nice" team. They flop, they handball, they play dirty: they do everything that most other teams do to give their side an advantage, and they are very good at it. Check out this elbow from the '94 World Cup that broke a US player's cheekbone and left him lying in Stanford University hospital for 3 months.

World Cup: Match 28 - Italy vs. New Zealand

Fuck you, FIFA. You make a ridiculous call to keep the US from winning against Slovenia. And then you turn around and make a ridiculous call to ensure that Italy doesn't lose against New Zealand. Honestly, how could you possibly reward the most notorious floppers in the game with a penalty kick in the box just because the player went down? Haven't you ever seen an Italian soccer practice? It's so obvious that you just want to make money! Italy (population 60 million, 23rd) is just a much better investment than New Zealand (population 4.3 million, 123rd), huh?

And why are you the only governing body that changes the ball for every consecutive tournament!? How about a little consistency! I thought players were just making excuses but then I saw the Jabulani in person. There are so many things wrong with that ball, I don't know where to start...
1. Its surface is made of a synthetic material that splits its properties between plastic and rubber.
2. When you press down on the ball, its spherical shape is not distorted. Rather, only the surface depresses, as if it were a Nerf ball.
3. The dimples are gone and have been replaced by traction strips. I'm not kidding--the surface of the ball is coated with tiny ridges that are supposed to prevent it from sliding on wet grass. But players unfortunate enough to have invested in cleats that help grip the ball will now have trouble unsticking it from their feet.
4. Yes, it is very light.
5. Secretly, Adidas' 5 years of research ended in failure, and scrambling to find a unique concept on short notice, they bought a bunch of Nerf balls and coated them with thermoplastics.

Way to go, Adidas. You made a ball that was supposed to move around in the air and make it difficult for keepers. But hasn't this World Cup seen a 60% reduction in goals? Ironically, it's the shooters who are suffering. Why are you injecting luck into a sport that is supposed to be a contest of skill, athleticism, and desire? Adding luck to games makes them worse not better! It just reminds me of a really old commercial from 1994 that paints a very scary picture of what soccer might look like in the distant future. The goal post is arched instead of rectangular, it expands and contracts randomly, and the half field circle is a trampoline from which players can launch in order to shoot bicycle kicks down at the goal. As a 7 year old, I was terribly afraid it might come true. And now, after seeing how hard FIFA+Adidas are trying to ruin soccer with unnecessary technology, I think the center-field trampoline just might be possible...
Why can't you just take the same ball and paint it different colors? People will still buy it. Or will nothing slake your avarice?

Back to the game, commentators called it the greatest result in New Zealand soccer history. Just imagine how much greater it would have been if FIFA referees hadn't been involved...

I'd make fun of Italy if I didn't know they usually look terrible in the group stage. For example, Italy were the last team to qualify for the elimination round in 1994 but went all the way to the final and lost on penalties. A lot of teams have trouble performing until their lives are on the line (especially in this World Cup), but I think Italy struggles to make things dramatic. What more could you expect from the greatest thespians on the world stage?

World Cup: Match 27 - Slovakia vs. Paraguay

Thank you, Paraguay. Despite the hideous but classic blue and red vertical stripes on your jerseys, you are among a rare handful of teams who are not afraid to take care of business. 2-0, well done.

World Cup: Match 26 - Cameroon vs. Denmark

It was Niklas Bendtner and friends vs. Samuel Eto'o and pals in a very open game with sloppy defense on both ends of the pitch. Early on Cameroon looked very strong and when Eto'o expertly smashed one past the Danish keeper in the 10th minute, it seemed like Africa had finally won its second victory. But twenty minutes later Niklas Bendtner soured the day on a great sliding goal from an even better pass by Dennis Rommedahl, a scourge on the right wing the whole game long. The goal sent the game into a rolling boil that peaked in two straight minutes of excitement. Three minutes from half, Rommedahl stormed toward the right post, beat his defender with a clever back-foot cut, and was unfortunate to slip but still managed to poke out it out to captain Jon Dahl Tomasson, who eyed the all but open goal greedily but had his shot blocked by the heroic effort of Alex Song. Ten seconds later Achille Emana found himself one-on-one with the keeper, but lacking the courage of a real lion, dished it off to the "mustered" Eto'o, who beat everyone but the post. Not a minute later, Emana zigzagged through three defenders and found himself alone with the keeper again but couldn't shoot it by him. His brilliant but goalless efforts throughout the game summarize this World Cup, which among other things has been sorely lacking in execution. Will the professionals please step up?

After what must have been livid half-time talks by both coaches about the piss-poor performance of their defense, who handed the ball back at their own doorstep on far more than one occasion, I was expecting much better defense in the second half. Thankfully, neither defense could get their shirts on straight and the open play continued. This spelled trouble for Cameroon when the Bendtner-Rommedahl duo switched roles for a second goal (61'). All credit goes to that scourge Rommedahl, however, who cut past his defender from a standstill and curled his shoot in beautifully into the bottom left corner, right across the keeper's face. Despite the ensuing half-hour siege, Cameroon could not score a goal to save their (World Cup) lives.

With this second loss, Cameroon are the first team eliminated from the tournament and the Netherlands are the first team through to the second round. Let's go over it:

- The Netherlands (2-0-0) have 6pts after beating Denmark 2-0 and Japan 1-0.
- Cameroon (0-2-0) have 0pts after losing to Japan 1-0 and Denmark 2-1.
- Denmark (1-1-0) and Japan (1-1-0) are tied with 3pts, though Japan has the edge on goal differential (0 vs. -1).
So even if Cameroon beat the Netherlands in their last game (which ain't gonna happen), they will only have 3pts. When Denmark and Japan play, one of them will get 3 more points or they'll each get 1 for the draw. Regardless of the result, Cameroon cannot catch up to second place.

Since, the Netherlands already have 6pts, and either Denmark or Japan will have at most 6, Netherlands are through already.

So what are the Group E teams playing for in this 3rd set of games?

Japan and Denmark are fighting to qualify for the elimination round. For them, this is the elimination round already. Since, Japan have a better goal differential all they need is a tie. Denmark have to win. It's going to be a GREAT game.

The Netherlands are sitting pretty.
- Even with a loss, they can still lose the group, provided that Japan doesn't make up the 3 goal deficit or Denmark the 4 goal deficit.
- With a tie, they win the group with 7 points.
- And with a win (the most likely scenario), they finish group play with a perfect record (3-0-0). The only other team I'd bet on doing this is Argentina (2-0-0) who face a totally-screwed Greek side in their last group match. Brazil has a good chance too, but their competition is considerably steeper (Portugal and Ivory Coast).

FUNNY COMMENTARY:

"He's given it up straight to Bendtner...that's terrible defending on both sides! Who thought up the defensive strategy tonight, Evel Knievel!?"

"Defenders usually get away with a few shirt tugs...the sly ones."
"Yes, the dark arts."

World Cup: Match 25 - Australia vs. Ghana

Much to my surprise, Australia managed to score a goal. Meanwhile, Ghana continued their streak of only scoring on penalty kicks. This 1-1 draw was great news for Serbia, who will advance if they take out Australia. I'm hoping for lots of goals in the off chance that they win the group.

World Cup: Match 24 - Netherlands vs. Japan

1-0. The Netherlands are bored.

World Cup: Match 23 - England vs. Algeria

Here comes the train. Chugga...chugga...chugga...chugga...CHOKE! CHOKE!

England is the new France.

World Cup: Match 22 - USA vs. Slovenia

Fuck you, referee. Thank you, Donovan.

World Cup: Match 21 - Germany vs. Serbia

1-0. Serbia. Whooooooooooooooooooooo called it? Who, who, who, who?

World Cup: Match 20 - Mexico vs. France

What analysts ever picked France as the "favorite" of this group? Now, Uruguay and Mexico can just pass it back and forth to each other and even if France scores 10 goals on South Africa, they will not advance. Knowing France, however, they will probably lose to South Africa, too. No reason to clean up their besmirched trousers now...

World Cup: Match 19 - Nigeria vs. Greece

Nigeria, up a goal, tries the cleats up attack, has the player ejected, misses a break away, and loses the game 2-1 to one of the worst teams of the tournament. Ironically, they can still make it through...

World Cup: Match 18 - Argentina vs. South Korea

4-1 Argentina. Maradona--who I am beginning to think is crazy like a fox--has developed his own special brand of football. Instead of facing the other team, Argentina play against themselves: the offense tries to score goals and the defense tries to give them away. Fortunately, the offense is so good that no matter how well the defense does (at conceding goals), they still win. I mean, imagine Lionel Messi, Carlos Tevez, Diego Milito, Gonzalo Higuain, and Maxi Rodriguez all running at you! Scary...

World Cup: Match 17 - South Africa vs. Uruguay

Before the game started, my friend asked me, "Which one is Forlan?" I jokingly answered, "Just wait. He'll be the one who scores."

In the 23rd minute, my prediction came true when Diego Forlan found himself some space 25 yards from goal and let a shot rip that brushed a defenders back, arced through the air, and skimmed the crossbar on its way into the net. Kuhne was powerless to stop it and, from what I could tell, started blaming the ball. In the replay, the ball clearly traveled in a parabola, which is the standard trajectory of an earthbound object (for all those concerned analysts). The downward swerve may also have been aided by the top spin caused by the defender's deflection, but in any case, anyone who wants to attribute Forlan's fine goal to the trick of the mischievous spirit that lives inside the Jabulani ball. As my friend put it, "These people need to stop confusing great shots with the stupid ball. Seriously, everything further than 15 yards is met with something about it." Plenty of other players in this game took shots from outside the box, but theirs all went soaring into the stands. Forlan is just talented, and I'm pretty sure his shot was destined for the lower left corner anyway if the defender hadn't deflected it.

Regardless of fluke shots, South Africa was asking to be scored on. To everyone's surprise, they had come out in the same weak manner as they exhibited against Mexico. And they were punished for it, because unlike Mexico, the Uruguayan team had a real killer in its midst.

In addition to Diego Forlan, Luis Suarez also plagued the South African defense and was rewarded for his brave efforts with a penalty in the 76th minute. The penalty not only sealed Uruguay's victory but destroyed what hopes South Africa had left for their final fixture, as they lost their keeper to a mandatory red card for committing the "last man" foul to prevent the obvious goal. From Wikipedia: "The Laws of the Game state a player who commits an offence which denies an obvious goal-scoring opportunity should be sent off.^[1] If a goal is scored despite this challenge, referees should award the goal but not send the offending player off" unless the foul is deserving of a card in itself (It's a little strange that the outcome is more important than the intention, kind of like how an attempted murder is a lesser crime than a successful one).

In my opinion, the young and relatively inexperienced Kuhne made a wasteful sacrifice. The game was already lost and regular time penalties are up there with death and taxes, so missing the final game against France was definitely not worth it. I mean, South Africa can still conceivably go through if they beat France and Uruguay take care of Mexico. But without their starting keeper (easily one of their best players), I wouldn't count on it, especially after suffering such a disheartening loss with a brutal, third Uruguayan goal coming in stoppage time. Even the vuvuzelas fell silent as the sweet melody of booing filled the stadium.

Although I was sad to see the hosts fall, I can't pretend I'm not pleased with this result. I picked Uruguay to go through and was a little unsure after their lack of offense or even possession against the French. Long live Diego Forlan!

World Cup: Match 16 - Spain vs. Switzerland

Spain! Spain, what are you doing! Hahahaha!

This occasion calls for a haiku:

The tall Swiss defense,
Unlike their cheese, has no holes.
Muahahahaha!

There is no one to blame for this loss than Spain. They wasted the entire first half passing the ball around, thinking they were Barcelona. They may have the Barcelona center of midfield and 3 Barcelona defenders, but they don't have Leo Messi!!! Without the brilliant, bursting runs of Messi who starts freezing defenders as soon as you play him, who is pretty much unstoppable once he's on the run, the super-possession strategy is worthless. The only thing Spain's possession threatened during the first half was the % possession statistic!

Switzerland has one of the best defenses in the world. They exited the last world cup without conceding a single goal in regular and extra time. And they played it so intelligently, using numbers to clog up the middle and defending against crosses from the flanks using their superior height. Bravo!

Switzerland scored a great and pretty hilarious goal. It was like a multiple car collision. Gelson Fernandes' pass gets clipped by Puyol, hits oncoming Eren Derdiyok (great name, by the way) in the knee and shoots out in front of him. He tries to cut it past Iker Casillas, who clips the ball and Derdiyok. Both go flying. Derdiyok spins upside down in midair, cuts Pique with his cleats, the ball somehow lands between his legs and gets spun out to oncoming Fernandes, who shoots it into Pique as he collapses to the ground. The ball rolls around him and stops on the goal line, but it's too close for him to reach with his feet. Then it's a race to the ball between Fernandes and Casillas, which the Swiss midfielder wins just barely. But damn was it a great goal to liven up this heretofore slow World Cup!

Spain finally started playing direct soccer and got much better chances, including one that rattled the crossbar, but in pressing forward so hard, they almost found themselves down 2-0 when Derdiyok beat Pique, Puyol, and Casillas on a "derdy" dribble, only to be stopped by the post.

And guess what the first thing out Alexi Lalas' grinning mouth is: "Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while."

FUCK YOU ALEXI LALAS. A blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while? ARe you joking? Switzerland played magnificently. They totally deserved this 100%. If anyone found a fucking nut, it's the US.

World Cup: Match 15 - Chile vs. Honduras

At one point the commentator quoted 70% possession and 11 shots on target to nothing for the Chileans in what was perhaps the most one-sided game of the group stage so far. Chile was a pleasure to watch, especially number 7, Alexis Sanchez, whose youthful footwork kept the Hondurans reeling. Despite their ability to move the ball up the field in as little as two incisive passes and a plethora of opportunities inside the box, today Chile lacked that most important piece of the puzzle: the final touch. It's evident from the scoreline and it's evident from the goal that they did score: a ricochet off the backside of Jean Beausejour (who couldn't quite connect on the cross intended for him). To be fair, even though the goal was lucky (i.e. low probability), Chile produced so many chances that not scoring at all was even more improbable. But they will need to play more than a numbers game if they want any chance of beating Switzerland for 2nd place out of the group (1st place is reserved seating, you see).

One missed chance in particular comes to mind. On a set piece in the 65th minute, Arturo Vidal (a defender) chases down the cross and heads it back across the goal to a surprised Waldo Ponce, who finds the ball a yard in front of an essentially empty goal. But instead of blasting the knee-high ball into the roof of the net, he gets down and tries the diving header, which gives the keeper just enough time to recover for a miraculous save. I guess Ponce got caught in "header mode." But that's what you get when your defenders have the majority of chances inside the box: not a lot of goals.

As for the Hondurans, they looked less professional than even the most shoddy African side. But maybe that's because they aren't professionals... How else could you explain an inability to string 5 passes together? Or runs off the ball that started so late the ball had already been turned over? A forward noticeably hesitating to shoot because the ball was on his wrong foot?

Still, for a contest between one side that lacked finishing and another that was distinctly un-professional, this was a hell of show.