What a game, what a game! Three Slovakian wonder-goals and classic Italian soccer strategy culminated in a beautiful thing: the defending champion's early exit from South Africa 2010. Any game that Italy loses is a good one, but this one was spectacular! For a soccer player, it is always immensely rewarding to see Italy punished for the shitty excuse for futbol they play, let's call it Calcio. For those of you who are unfamiliar, let's go over some key differences, straight from the Official Strategy Guide.1) Never lead the attack. Let the other team come to you and spring the counter attack. This is the luxurious road to victory. Remember our Roman ancestors.
2) Diving is a valid and important part of the game. Never miss an opportunity to embellish or even fabricate the gruesomeness of a challenge. Make sure the referee, the audience, and birds flying high above can hear you scream. ALWAYS call for a stretcher. And spend the off season in acting camp. After all, a soccer player is as much a thespian as he is an athlete.
3) Wear a stylish haircut. What's the point of winning if you don't look good doing it?
4) Say nasty things to your opponent. Foul him in secret. Nothing frustrates the bear more than stones cast from a safe distance. The referee will protect you.
5) But if the referee makes a call against you, curse him before God. Doesn't the ref know that we are His chosen team?
6) Wear a blue uniform, even though your national colors are red, green, and white. It doesn't make sense, but we'll just have the team named after the color, so no one will question us: the Azzurri!
7) Always underestimate the other team. Everyone outside of Italy is uncultured swine. They don't know how to cook, make love, or play soccer.
8) Brag about winning the Champions League, while ignoring the fact that only one Italian played, and he was a substitute.
In the upshot of this glorious day, both finalists from '06 have been eliminated from the tournament. But one question remains between them: who were the biggest failure? The Azzurri definitely challenge Les Bleus for the biggest disappointments of the tournament. Failing to qualify out of the easiest group in World Cup history could be just as impressive as total internal collapse... How about your coach slipping off the field without so much as a word to his players or the opposing team's coach? Isn't losing because you didn't feel like playing far more egregious than losing because, deep down, you really, really suck.
Seriously, why did Italy wait until the last ten minutes before they really started trying? They could have played like that for the whole tournament. What did they think, that they could outdo the Americans' comeback draw against Slovenia by beating Slovakia in the last ten minutes? Italy definitely demonstrated their proficiency--they scored two goals and almost a third that was just barely offsides. But it was too little too late, especially because they also showed great proficiency at watching Slovakia score on them. What team, when they are down a goal and desperate for a score, lets a brand new substitute score on his first touch OFF OF A THROW into the box, in the last minute of regular time? ITALY, of course!
Who knows...maybe Slovakia is the underdog Eastern European squad that will cut deep into the elimination round.
As for the Italians, I see a great opportunity for MasterCard.
2 Tickets to Italy, $3000
1 night stay in Rome, $350
Produce at the corner market, $15
Being there to greet the Italian soccer team with a crate of rotten tomatoes... Priceless
There are some things money can't buy.
For everything else, there's MasterCard.
FUNNY COMMENTARY:
After Vittek's first goal:
"Italy have conceded the 1st goal in their last 4 matches. This has happened only 4 times in their last 46 matches."
After Vittek's second goal:
"Italy are on their way out. I don't know about a Roman road. They're on a road to ruin so far."
Slovakian keeper botches save:
"The goalkeeper did it very awkwardly. He's about to join Everton, where he'll be Tim Howard's number two. He certainly won't be number one, I can tell you that!"
Pirlo's 1st touch is out of bounds.
"Well, it's a horror show, this for Italy."
After Italy's 1st goal
"Are the Italians going to get out of jail?"
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