World Cup: Match 38 - USA vs. Algeria

Please, Lord, give us just one goal, one goal for the two that FIFA stole from us.

And finally, Landon Donovan, our once-again savior, delivered us in the 1st minute of STOPPAGE TIME with a goal that sent us all into ecstasy. I shouted and jumped, I high-fived and hugged, I almost cried......until I remembered I wasn't on the field, that this wasn't the greatest moment of my life. But in many ways it was and I can't remember celebrating so hard ever. At one point I was ready to run through the streets naked, but then I remembered I was saving that honor for the championship (if it ever comes). So I did that other thing people do when they celebrate: drink. My friends and I rushed to the liquor store, where I bought two bottles of champagne from a clerk, who I'm sure had no idea why I had lost my voice. One bottle of champagne, five beers, and a lot of crazy drunk shouting and dancing later, I fell asleep and missed the second half of Australia-Serbia. But no matter, this victory was one for the ages. And if the US had scored the three goals throughout the game that they should have, it would have been nowhere near as rapturous. In the words of Ian Darke "You couldn't write a script like this." The excitement, the drama, the anguish of waiting 91 minutes for this goal! I'm pretty sure I lost a year of my life watching this. My little brother even called me psychotic.

We kicked Algeria's ass, and though they gave us some scares, we earned that goal, and they earned that red card, that sweet red cherry capping off our fudge-filled, whip-cream-and-nut-topped, glorious American sundae. FIFA did their best to stop us (see below), to craft the draw that would ensure England a spot in the next round (do you really think drawing lots is random?), but we were just too damn defiant. Damn, do we have spirit! To come from behind on ENGLAND after conceding in the 4TH MINUTE. To come from 2 goals behind in one half. To have our last-minute victory goal taken away? And another taken away in the very next game!? We are the embodiment of resilience, true believers. Let's hear Obama say, "YES, WE CAN!" one more time.Chumbawumba - Tubthumping is our theme song: "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never going to keep me down."
And now for some great American heroes:

George Washington. The commander-in-chief of the American Revolution. The first president. The father of our country. He saved children but not the British children.



Joshua Chamberlain. July 2, 1863. The Battle of Gettysburg. Tasked with defending Little Round Top and running dangerously low on ammo, he lead a bayonet charge that stunned the Confederate soldiers into surrender. Outnumbered and outgunned but not outclassed, his brilliant audacity passes into legend. Just imagine it--holding an army at gunpoint with NO bullets!

Martin Luther King, Jr., Ph.D. Had a dream. And this to say: “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”





Landon Donovan. Our newest inductee. Ignited the comeback against Slovenia. Delivered us against Algeria. Orchestrates all of our goals. Leads us out of the dark. What a #10. What a savior. What a GREAT AMERICAN HERO.

And now for the evidence of FIFA's attempt to rig a draw, starting with the goal we scored.
21': Clint Dempsey finally puts it in the back after about 20 deflections in the box. Starting with a shot of Bill Clinton, Donovan to Bradley, Bradley to Altidore. Altidore to Gomez, no wait, his shitty pass gets blocked. He collects the rebound for himself and starts dribbling. He barely gets it away to Bradley before he is tackled. Bradley dribble into three players and falls down. He manages to poke it while he's down so Algeria can't get it away. Somehow the ball squirts out to Hercules Gomez on the right, who is all alone in front of goal. His shot is--unfortunately--right at the keeper. The block comes back to him. He sends his second chance wide but (a just barely ONsides Clint Dempsey) is there to knock it in.
27': Referee calls offsides, even though Jozy Altidore is racing away with the ball. Advantage, referee?
39': Linesman calls offsides on Algeria on a through pass. Definitely wasn't off.46': Offsides on Matmour in front of goal. He wasn't offsides, but he totally whiffs the shot. That would have been two goals called offsides.
70': Something on Edson Buddle.

So long as USA-Algeria drew, England would be safe, even with a draw. Because then the USA and England would draw lots, and we all know FIFA would never leave them up to chance... Those bastards!
FUNNY COMMENTARY:
"Matmour won't get that one. He would have needed to be a greyhound and even then it would be a close race."

HOT (EX?)-WIVES:
I should have known that Landon Donovan nabbed himself a hot wife. Unfortuantely, they've been separated for a year. Let's hope he can reel her back in...

Introducing...Bianca Kajlich...
Three cheers for the muse behind our great victory.