Paradissimo: From Istanbul to Constantine's Nipple

Disclaimer: This blog was written in a watercloset on the train to Freiburg.

I just returned from a trip to the Ottoman Empire, which was renamed Turkey in 1923 in honor of the quintessential American holiday, during which patriotic participants find special occasion to stuff their bellies and watch large men in tight pants pile atop one another, all in the name of thanksgiving. There, I failed to learn either of the correct spellings of Bosporus (alt: Bosphorus) Strait, but I did manage to style my hair (right: douche.jpg) and understand how a nation's location at an arbitrary boundary between continents caused it to have strategic importance, beauty, and uniqueness, just like my hair.

Monday morning we had relations with the head of a Turkish economic organization (i.e. corporation). The talk was interesting for a reason completely unrelated to the talk itself, namely that the Turkish PM had recently pooped in his pants during the Davos Conference, which brought his family great shame. Later we had another meeting where we learned stuff that we could have deduced on our own.

Afterward, we visited the Sultan Ahmed Sausage Factory. Sultan Ahmed garnered a lot of criticism for building a sausage factory that produced six types of sausage, because the only other sausage factory with six types was in Mecca. To fix this problem he invented a new kind of sausage and gave the recipe to Mecca, which is the only place where you can get those types of sausages today. Anyone up for a pilgrimage to Mecca!?

After the Sausage Factory, we got to watch a ceremonial gangbang, which is a common ritual perfomed only by men trying to feel connected to each other. The ritual began when 12 men, all dressed in robes, entered the room brushing their teeth. Sometimes they brushed their own teeth, while other times they brushed someone else's teeth. After twelve minutes, their nipples were very protrusive and they formed a circle with one of them in the middle. We couldn't really see what was happening because the eleven men shrowded the one man with their dark robes, but there was a lot of slow gyrating for 10-15 minutes and then everyone fell on their backs, shook their arms and legs in the air, while the one in the center shouted the 99 names of Allah in spiritual ecstasy. This lasted for another 15 minutes or so, with everyone bellowing the Muslim version of "woof" at the end of every name.