World Cup: Match 36 - Nigeria vs. South Korea

It looks like Nigeria spent all their attribute points on speed and strength and forgot all about intellect. In a very open and exciting game that should have ended joyously for the "Super Eagles," the Nigerians ruined their own party with more than a couple of incredibly stupid mistakes. Let's start counting...

#1) The absolutely unnecessary foul by Obasi on the left edge of the box. The offender was already being marked by a defender, but Obasi came streaking in recklessly and earned himself a yellow card, as well as the set piece that produced South Korea's equalizer.

#2) Instead of following the shot, Yakubu (captain) double over and let his arms hang down, disappointed that he had not received a pass. When the shot trickled out of the goalkeeper's arms, there was no one there to pick up the pieces. The worst part is I'm not even sure Yakubu noticed.

3) The Nigerian keeper, Enyeama, taking a step toward his wall just before Park Chu-Young let fly his shot. I'm sure the foul was a great blunder to begin with, but this time the onus was all on the goalie. Why would you take a step toward the wall RIGHT before the shot? I was never a keeper but even I know that a keeper's duty on set pieces is to set up the wall and cover the other side of the goal. If the shooter takes it over the wall, then you do your best to make a play. And if the shot is very good and dips below the crossbar, then there was really nothing you could do--it was a great shot. But you have to force the great shot, you have to make it as difficult as possible. Park's shot was accurate, yes, but it was weak and definitely savable.

4) Yakubu lunges to intercept a pass, blows by the first defender with a teammate streaking inside him, but cuts the ball for himself, and sees it cleared away by Lee Jung-Soo. He should have cut it inside for his teammate. Lee Jung-Soo was a real hero after saving this goal and scoring the 1st.

5) YAKUBU!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? This is the blunder of the tournament! One of the greatest blunders in soccer history! This miss is going to go on the greatest bloopers of all time reel! And you smiled... Your team is down a goal in a must win situation, you are the captain of that team, you have the ball two feet from the middle of an OPEN goal--that's 192 square feet of real estate you could have hit--and you pass it outside the post. There was even a second Nigerian at the back post if he had somehow missed it. It was the golden chance screaming for all Africa and it went unanswered. Change jerseys with Shittu.

6) Martins on a great through pass from Ogbuku, one-on-one with the keeper, in the 79th minute, just after Greece conceded the goal you needed them to. The stars were aligned. The fucking planets were aligned. And he chips the goalie but sends it wide.

HOW MANY CHANCES DO YOU NEED? HOW MANY SILVER PLATTERS? Especially, South Korea comes from behind to take the lead. South Korea played well but were often unlucky. Nigeria got very lucky but were not good. They were dumb. Except for maybe Uche, who cleverly rushed in past a careless defender to tuck away the first goal. He also hit the post on a zinger from distance.

For all the chances they just barely missed, South Korea did however get very lucky on their first goal. It was a great ball in, but Lee-Jung Soo did not score intentionally. Missing the header, he lost his balance and reflexive stuck his leg out to catch himself in the exact moment that the ball reached him.

I was also furious when the Nigerian keeper got a yellow card for shielding the ball. The referee would never have made the call on a field player doing the exact same thing...

Also, kudos to South Korea for some very stylish jerseys.

FUNNY COMMENTARY:

"Nigeria are 3-5 when they score 1st."

World Cup: Match 35 - Argentina vs. Greece

2-0 Argentina, no surprise.

FUNNY COMMENTARY:

"Argentina with basically their second team out there show great depth."

World Cup: Match 34 - France vs. South Africa

"Le bleus"...really blew and lost to South Africa 1-2!
France: I have never seen a team self-destruct like that. The trainer quits. The director of French soccer resigns. A player gets kicked off the team. They cancel practice. Then, in their last game, they "mix things up", go down 2 goals and have a player sent off. Gourcuff!!!! You are so bad! You were the worst player of the whole tournament. Supposed to be the next Zidane. I spit at you!!! (said in a French accent).

Well done, South Africa, but Uruguay dug you a grave with walls too high. Alas, you are the first hosts not to make it out of the group stage. I only hope that now you will have the decency to retire your Vuvuzelas. The real soccer begins soon...

World Cup: Match 33 - Mexico vs. Uruguay

URUGUAY!!! 1-0! 7pts. 4 goals. South America 8-0-2!
Uruguay topped their group after polishing off Mexico with a beautiful header by Luis Suarez at the end of the first half.

Uruguay entered the game perfectly content to get the draw, but when Mexico violated the unspoken agreement by attacking from the start, Uruguay had no chance but to turn Mexico's blade back upon them. What seemed a double-edged sword soon became a single-edge sword turned the wrong way when South Africa notched 2 goals against 10-man France and Diego Forlan orchestrated the counter-attack with a through pass down the sideline for Cavani, who found Suarez lurking at the far post, completely unmarked by the sleeping Mexican defense. Just two more goals between Uruguay and South Africa would have sent Mexico home packing.

Mexico looked threatening occasionally, including a 30-yard effort from Guardado that hit the crossbar and almost bounced off the keeper's back into the goal. Their best chance came on a cross that found defender Francisco Rodriguez completely unmarked five yards from goal (65'). But he muffed the header and he muffed it badly.

Things looked pretty nervy for Mexico, but their 2-goal cushion held strong and at last France delivered them with their first goal of the tournament in the 70th minute.

Mexico are set to live out their usual destiny against Argentina: escape the group phase only to be eliminated in the very next game. Boo hoo...

FUNNY COMMENTARY:

After Blanco takes a free kick.
"Cuauhtémoc Blanco makes an outrageous run to hit an outrageous ball."
"All the fans of Chicago Fire know Blanco always makes a 20-yd run to strike free kicks."
"Yes, it's the fastest bit of running he does during the game."

After Rodriguez skims the header wide.
"I don't know how he missed it. Some forwards can't head the ball but defenders are paid to do it."

World Cup: Match 32 - Spain vs. Honduras

Spain finally took care of business against Honduras with a 2-0 victory that should easily have had double the margin. David Villa scored one of the goals of the tournament in the 17th minute after slaloming between two defenders, cutting past the third, and sliding to hit the shot into the upper 90. He scored another just after the second half started but failed to convert a penalty kick for the hat trick in the 62nd minute. Though Spain are back on track, they will need to beat Chile if they don't want to leave their fate up to the Switzerland-Honduras game and especially if they don't want to face the Brazilians in their first game out of the group stage. But after watching Portugal party all over the N. Koreans, I'm not sure Spain should want to play them either...

World Cup: Match 31 - Switzerland vs. Chile

The Swiss held out long enough for the record but not much longer (6 minutes), as Chile became the first team to score on them in the past 557 minutes (a little over 6 games) of World Cup play. The achievement is definitely heroic, as the Swiss faced the last 44 of those minutes with ten men (though they did sub out their captain for another defender ten minutes after the red card). Chile's victory extends the dominance of South American teams, who are 7-0-2 in the tournament so far.

Uruguay vs. France: 0-0
Argentina vs. Nigeria: 1-0
Paraguay vs. Italy: 1-1
Brazil vs. North Korea: 2-1
Chile vs. Honduras: 1-0
Uruguay vs. South Africa: 3-0
Argentina vs. South Korea: 4-1
Paraguay vs. Slovakia: 2-0
Brazil vs. Ivory Coast: 3-1
Chile vs. Switzerland: 1-0

That's 18-4 in terms of goals!

The Swiss can blame the Saudi referee, who handed out 9 yellow cards, including one in the 2nd minute, in addition to the straight red to Valon Behrami, whose heavily tattooed arms did help his cause with the conservative Arabian. For what looks like such a dirty game on paper, the opposing teams seemed to be getting along just fine. In fact, when a Chilean player was shown a yellow card, the Swiss teammate of the victim smacked the offender on the butt. This ref and the French one from the Brazil-Ivory Coast match should have traded places.

World Cup: Match 30 - Portugal vs. North Korea

I woke up and it was 1-0.
I woke up again and it was 4-0!
And I still got to see 3 goals!

Damn, 7-0. The Portuguese got a couple goals and suddenly they remembered why--20 or so years ago--they had started playing soccer: for FUN! It was a joy to watch a brilliant side shed their nerves and play the moving, dancing, unstoppable soccer that becomes them. It made me realize that this World Cup has been full of nerves, more so than in previous years. So many big teams overcome by the pressure that has been placed on their success: France, England, Italy, Spain. They have forgotten that playing in the World Cup for your country is first and foremost a great joy! So far, only Argentina and Brazil have let the joy flow--and with it, the goals.

Portugal's rout included goals from six different scorers. There were so many goals they didn't all fit on the highlight reel. Ronaldo played well and finally ended his drought in what my friend described as "some sort of circus trick!" The ball chipped the keeper, bounced on his back, and rolled over his neck before he fished it out of the air and passed it to the net. Maybe it wasn't the kind of brilliant goal he is used to scoring, but he grinned all the same, as if to say
'Ha ha, this is how I score?'

North Korea, North Korea, are you there? I'm not really sure where the North Korean defense was, especially not the one that fended off Brazil for so long, but I'm more afraid of where they'll be going when they return home after their last match against Ivory Coast. Let's hope their elimination from the World Cup is not met with an eye-for-an-eye, tooth-for-a-tooth, elimination-for-elimination punishment...

Many, many Portuguese babies will be born around March 21st, 9 months from tonight.

A little FUNNY COMMENTARY:

"Ronaldo gets his mojo back...with a grin that says this is how I finally score!"

World Cup: Match 29 - Brazil vs. Ivory Coast

This might have been a good match up before the game started, but as soon as it did, it was apparent that Ivory Coast--sporting the green and white, horizontally striped shirts of a pirate crew--didn't have a prayer against the Brazilians. On a fumbling dribble-pass from Kaka, Luis Fabiano blasted the ball into the roof of the net so hard the keeper didn't see it (25'). Keenly aware that they could not beat Brazil, Ivory Coast spent the next 65 minutes proving they could still beat them up. Unfortunately, the French referee was about as good at controlling the game as his national team were at scoring goals.

Early in the second half, Brazil scored two more goals. The first came on a brilliant play by Luis Fabiano who got a little help from his hands--not once, but twice--as he beat three defenders and rocked it past the keeper (50'). For those of you think Brazil play fairly and win just because they are that good, watch this sneaky goal. FIFA, of course, didn't seem to mind as the chuckling referee jogged up alongside Fabiano and asked him if he'd used his arms. Even a child could have spotted the lie in Fabiano's plea of innocence, but let's give him a little credit: not even the Ivory Coast defenders noticed his fine handiwork.

The third goal came on an unexpected ground-cross from Kaka, who finally started figuring things out after looking lost on the field in the game against North Korea and for much of this one. It was especially weak defending by the Ivory Coast defender that let Elano sneak up behind him and tuck the goal away (62').

The Ivory Coast managed to get one back for a little moral consolation in the 79th minute. A looong run on the ball by Gervinho (of the Ivory Coast) ended disappointingly in the box when it was cut out by the last defender. But Gervinho managed to keep the ball in bounds and played it back to Yaya Toure, who sailed one over the Brazilian defense as Drogba ghosted in behind them (a good meter onside) to skim the header neatly past Julio Cesar.

Not ten minutes later, the game nearly erupted into a brawl when Kaka looked to have elbowed Kader Keita in the face. Although the elbow was nowhere near his face and Keita should be penalized for his egregious acting, Kaka definitely deserved a second yellow for jabbing Keita in the chest. For those of you who think Kaka didn't swing his elbow or didn't even know Keita was behind him, watch the replay and imagine not noticing a big sweaty African trotting up behind you. And let's look at the facts: it was a YELLOW card, not a straight red. Kaka was already riding a yellow that he had earned THREE MINUTES earlier! How stupid do you have to be to get two yellow cards in the last 10 minutes of a game that you're dominating 3-1 with 60% possession? The only other cards in the game were shown to 3 Ivory Coast players. But it's not like their fouls were malicious or dirty. Sometimes fouling is the only way to stop the other team, especially if that other team is Brazil. The only valid argument against the card is that the referee did not see it. From what I could tell, he examined Keita and then made up his mind. He did not see the foul or even consult his linesmen. So according to the rules of officiating, Kaka should not have been shown the yellow. But he did deserve it. And this time justice reigned.

Brazil is not a "nice" team. They flop, they handball, they play dirty: they do everything that most other teams do to give their side an advantage, and they are very good at it. Check out this elbow from the '94 World Cup that broke a US player's cheekbone and left him lying in Stanford University hospital for 3 months.

World Cup: Match 28 - Italy vs. New Zealand

Fuck you, FIFA. You make a ridiculous call to keep the US from winning against Slovenia. And then you turn around and make a ridiculous call to ensure that Italy doesn't lose against New Zealand. Honestly, how could you possibly reward the most notorious floppers in the game with a penalty kick in the box just because the player went down? Haven't you ever seen an Italian soccer practice? It's so obvious that you just want to make money! Italy (population 60 million, 23rd) is just a much better investment than New Zealand (population 4.3 million, 123rd), huh?

And why are you the only governing body that changes the ball for every consecutive tournament!? How about a little consistency! I thought players were just making excuses but then I saw the Jabulani in person. There are so many things wrong with that ball, I don't know where to start...
1. Its surface is made of a synthetic material that splits its properties between plastic and rubber.
2. When you press down on the ball, its spherical shape is not distorted. Rather, only the surface depresses, as if it were a Nerf ball.
3. The dimples are gone and have been replaced by traction strips. I'm not kidding--the surface of the ball is coated with tiny ridges that are supposed to prevent it from sliding on wet grass. But players unfortunate enough to have invested in cleats that help grip the ball will now have trouble unsticking it from their feet.
4. Yes, it is very light.
5. Secretly, Adidas' 5 years of research ended in failure, and scrambling to find a unique concept on short notice, they bought a bunch of Nerf balls and coated them with thermoplastics.

Way to go, Adidas. You made a ball that was supposed to move around in the air and make it difficult for keepers. But hasn't this World Cup seen a 60% reduction in goals? Ironically, it's the shooters who are suffering. Why are you injecting luck into a sport that is supposed to be a contest of skill, athleticism, and desire? Adding luck to games makes them worse not better! It just reminds me of a really old commercial from 1994 that paints a very scary picture of what soccer might look like in the distant future. The goal post is arched instead of rectangular, it expands and contracts randomly, and the half field circle is a trampoline from which players can launch in order to shoot bicycle kicks down at the goal. As a 7 year old, I was terribly afraid it might come true. And now, after seeing how hard FIFA+Adidas are trying to ruin soccer with unnecessary technology, I think the center-field trampoline just might be possible...
Why can't you just take the same ball and paint it different colors? People will still buy it. Or will nothing slake your avarice?

Back to the game, commentators called it the greatest result in New Zealand soccer history. Just imagine how much greater it would have been if FIFA referees hadn't been involved...

I'd make fun of Italy if I didn't know they usually look terrible in the group stage. For example, Italy were the last team to qualify for the elimination round in 1994 but went all the way to the final and lost on penalties. A lot of teams have trouble performing until their lives are on the line (especially in this World Cup), but I think Italy struggles to make things dramatic. What more could you expect from the greatest thespians on the world stage?

World Cup: Match 27 - Slovakia vs. Paraguay

Thank you, Paraguay. Despite the hideous but classic blue and red vertical stripes on your jerseys, you are among a rare handful of teams who are not afraid to take care of business. 2-0, well done.

World Cup: Match 26 - Cameroon vs. Denmark

It was Niklas Bendtner and friends vs. Samuel Eto'o and pals in a very open game with sloppy defense on both ends of the pitch. Early on Cameroon looked very strong and when Eto'o expertly smashed one past the Danish keeper in the 10th minute, it seemed like Africa had finally won its second victory. But twenty minutes later Niklas Bendtner soured the day on a great sliding goal from an even better pass by Dennis Rommedahl, a scourge on the right wing the whole game long. The goal sent the game into a rolling boil that peaked in two straight minutes of excitement. Three minutes from half, Rommedahl stormed toward the right post, beat his defender with a clever back-foot cut, and was unfortunate to slip but still managed to poke out it out to captain Jon Dahl Tomasson, who eyed the all but open goal greedily but had his shot blocked by the heroic effort of Alex Song. Ten seconds later Achille Emana found himself one-on-one with the keeper, but lacking the courage of a real lion, dished it off to the "mustered" Eto'o, who beat everyone but the post. Not a minute later, Emana zigzagged through three defenders and found himself alone with the keeper again but couldn't shoot it by him. His brilliant but goalless efforts throughout the game summarize this World Cup, which among other things has been sorely lacking in execution. Will the professionals please step up?

After what must have been livid half-time talks by both coaches about the piss-poor performance of their defense, who handed the ball back at their own doorstep on far more than one occasion, I was expecting much better defense in the second half. Thankfully, neither defense could get their shirts on straight and the open play continued. This spelled trouble for Cameroon when the Bendtner-Rommedahl duo switched roles for a second goal (61'). All credit goes to that scourge Rommedahl, however, who cut past his defender from a standstill and curled his shoot in beautifully into the bottom left corner, right across the keeper's face. Despite the ensuing half-hour siege, Cameroon could not score a goal to save their (World Cup) lives.

With this second loss, Cameroon are the first team eliminated from the tournament and the Netherlands are the first team through to the second round. Let's go over it:

- The Netherlands (2-0-0) have 6pts after beating Denmark 2-0 and Japan 1-0.
- Cameroon (0-2-0) have 0pts after losing to Japan 1-0 and Denmark 2-1.
- Denmark (1-1-0) and Japan (1-1-0) are tied with 3pts, though Japan has the edge on goal differential (0 vs. -1).
So even if Cameroon beat the Netherlands in their last game (which ain't gonna happen), they will only have 3pts. When Denmark and Japan play, one of them will get 3 more points or they'll each get 1 for the draw. Regardless of the result, Cameroon cannot catch up to second place.

Since, the Netherlands already have 6pts, and either Denmark or Japan will have at most 6, Netherlands are through already.

So what are the Group E teams playing for in this 3rd set of games?

Japan and Denmark are fighting to qualify for the elimination round. For them, this is the elimination round already. Since, Japan have a better goal differential all they need is a tie. Denmark have to win. It's going to be a GREAT game.

The Netherlands are sitting pretty.
- Even with a loss, they can still lose the group, provided that Japan doesn't make up the 3 goal deficit or Denmark the 4 goal deficit.
- With a tie, they win the group with 7 points.
- And with a win (the most likely scenario), they finish group play with a perfect record (3-0-0). The only other team I'd bet on doing this is Argentina (2-0-0) who face a totally-screwed Greek side in their last group match. Brazil has a good chance too, but their competition is considerably steeper (Portugal and Ivory Coast).

FUNNY COMMENTARY:

"He's given it up straight to Bendtner...that's terrible defending on both sides! Who thought up the defensive strategy tonight, Evel Knievel!?"

"Defenders usually get away with a few shirt tugs...the sly ones."
"Yes, the dark arts."

World Cup: Match 25 - Australia vs. Ghana

Much to my surprise, Australia managed to score a goal. Meanwhile, Ghana continued their streak of only scoring on penalty kicks. This 1-1 draw was great news for Serbia, who will advance if they take out Australia. I'm hoping for lots of goals in the off chance that they win the group.

World Cup: Match 24 - Netherlands vs. Japan

1-0. The Netherlands are bored.

World Cup: Match 23 - England vs. Algeria

Here comes the train. Chugga...chugga...chugga...chugga...CHOKE! CHOKE!

England is the new France.

World Cup: Match 22 - USA vs. Slovenia

Fuck you, referee. Thank you, Donovan.